From 0 to 10 at lightning speed – Thailand Blog

Talk about going from 0 to 10 real quick. Only a month ago I was a college student, taking finals, planning last drinking weekends with friends, and packing my college years into boxes to be stored until dorm life became real life (most likely still with roommates!)

Today, I am writing this running on a few hours of sleep, hair in a top knot to avoid getting tugged on, and using my 45 min. of free time. Before the baby wakes up. No, before you make assumptions, this is not my baby. But, for the next six months, it sure feels like it.

Since I graduated college a semester earlier than most, I decided to use that extra time to become an au pair in Thailand. I am both embracing and fighting the cliché of the white American twenty-something who goes to Southeast Asia to “find herself,” but after only a week here, I think that is hard to NOT do, especially as an au pair to three kids and a new baby.

Trading textbooks for toys and tummy time, this switch has already been a lot more than I expected. Admittedly, I went into this job thinking it would be less babysitting and more time spent with the older three — a 9-year-old girl and fraternal boy-girl 8-year-old twins — teaching English, doing homework, and sharing my culture with them. However, after many 12 hour days with baby Naomi on my hip (and stomach, and hair, and knee…) I am taking some time to readjust both my expectations and my attitude.

So far, the “finding myself” has been less like you see on Instagram. The elephants of Bali have not taught me to love the planet yet, nor has a diet of mango and rice showed me the path to veganism. But, I have definitely uncovered parts of me that I didn’t know I had a few weeks ago.

The first thing I discovered came as a shock to me. Maternal instincts. I’m not saying I could super-mom lift a car off of Naomi or anything like that yet, but after a day of smiling like an idiot at a laughing ball of baby fat and spittle, it does something to melt your heart. The crying still tugs at my temples and the screaming is migraine inducing. But the fact of the matter is when the crying and screaming does happen, my body somehow knew to kick it into overdrive and rock, bounce, and play until the happy baby that I’ve come to love returns.

I think part of those instincts involves finding your energy reserves and tapping into them for the other children. My biggest fear after an exhausting day was that I would take it out on the other three kids. Thankfully, I have found that part of myself that internalizes stress and am coaching it to let it go so that I can start fresh with new faces. Yes, I am still more cranky on days that the baby was fussy. And when the twins are pushing my buttons, I hear my voice come out more firm than I would have liked. But, at the end of the day, there is energy waiting for them too, so they feel valued and as special as the baby that just sucked her energy reserve dry moments before they came home from school.

Finally, I am still rusty at this, but I have found it completely necessary for my survival here to advocate for myself. The first week was tough. Not only because it was a new (hot) climate, new house, and new culture, but because I was working more hours than listed in my contract. Since it was the first week of many, I stayed quiet and slapped a smile on my face. As week two rolled around, I told my midwestern-passive-aggressive nature to sit this one out, and had a conversation with my host mom. Now, my hours are still a bit longer than I’d like, but way more manageable. Along with two days off and a normal wake-up time, and I think that was reward enough for the few minutes of uncomfortableness. Moving forward, I think not only will there be a need for more confrontations like this one, but there will be these situations in the future. Out of college, there isn’t just one professor you have to listen to or a set number of classmates that are your equals. With bosses, co-workers, supervisors, peers, and even mentees and younger people along the way, working on respectful self-advocacy will be a vital part of those relationships and my own mental stability.

I’m hoping in the not-so-distant future, I will continue to “find myself” on days off to the beach, solo-trips through Asia, and everyone’s favorite bikini Instagram photos that teach me … the power of sunscreen or something? Until then, I hear Naomi waking from her nap and I have a smile to put on.